Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Time to practice changing 7's into 8's

   I'm not ignoring your call, I just get so excited when I see the caller ID I faint!

   Everytime I see someone not wearing a mask in public that alternative Queen song that goes No mask on your face you big disgrace spreading your germs all over the place pops into my head.

   sprung after seeing a girl walk in with an itty bitty waist and put a round thing in his face.

   I wish you could Google anything. Liikke, "Where the F you ck is my phone?" and it would be lliikke, "It's under the couch dumbass......lol good night peeps!!!!!

   Have you ever been with a girl when you couldn't get it up and once you finally did, you finished in like 30 seconds? Um…me neither…

   I love watching all the fish in my tank suck in the same piece of fish shi t and then spitting it out, thinking it was food.

   Sitting on the toilet dropping bombs and reading the back of a shampoo bottle... My morning in a nutshell

   OMG I just realized I haven't closely looked at the palm of my hand in like maybe 20 years ! Those white thingies are still under the skin all these years !

   first Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, now Kim Jong Il. all of my bedroom wall poster idols are dead

   Poured down rain last night...I think instead of a fish fry sandwich today, I am going to have worm stew...that counts, right?

   Wow, A Vinny Barbarino, an Helen Keller, and a Whoot there is is statues all at the same time. Who left the computer on at the retirement home.

   Proximo Gobernador de Antioquia

   Ok let me get this straight.....bacon is junk food and causes cancer. I do declare the Pigs have watched to many Chik-fil-a commercials and have concocted a diversion. What do you all think? Sounds suspicious? O.o nice play piggy nice play!

   Keith Emerson is dead from an apparent suicide. I guess he wasn't such a Lucky Man after all.

   IS has executed 100 foreigners trying to quit. Terrorists check in, but they don't check out.

   bought a bee-bee gun and a bird-cage.

   Anyone gifting snuggies should be immediatley disposed of.

   airing of grievances and the demonstration of feats of strength started TODAY you moron! if you're going to TRY to be funny atleast be accurate! D-BAG

   waiting for the new i-touch-wii