Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's pretty bad when you have to have HIV testing at your parade. What type of pride is that?

   When will these social media model wannabes learn that guys drool over anything. The only things required are 2 t'ts, a hole, and a heartbeat. Heartbeat optional.

   I'm almost a millionaire. I have all the zeros, now I just need a one.

   Guilty, on all three counts!!! Let the complaining and crying begin! I have my popcorn ready.

   My New Year’s resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. B. Be a lot more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

   Also, never seen anyone wear a "build back better" shirt, or bombard their cars with bumper stickers. Or bombard their homes with flags. But, that's what you would expect from the non- psychotic people.

   wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.

   A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

   I get so confused when I'm about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen..... Can I watch or not?

   Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

   What if you take Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna at the same time and just let them fight it out inside you?

   Nomadland won the Oscar for Best Picture. Was this an actual movie or a description of movie theaters in 2020?

   Diet day 4: If you eat the entire box of donuts, I'm pretty sure that counts as "One Serving"....

   Daylight Saving Time arrives early Sunday morning. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   A russian young lady of fassion had oodles and oodles of passion to her lovers she said as the climb into bed here's one thing those commies can't ration

   Your wife included! She enjoys it the most!

   I hate it when I am flirting with a hot girl and the fat girl between us thinks I am flirting with her fat ass.

   Last night I lied in bed, looking at the stars & thought..... Where in the heck did my ceiling go..

   my real name is Yosef Boots. My meat is so small it looks like a clit with a kneecap!

   I love Trump so much, I'm willing to make up anything in order to make Joe Biden look bad. Come back Trump, I can't live without you!!!