Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no clue what to do without some glue to sniff

   How can you have YOLO Sundays, every Sunday??? some of these club promoters need to get a marketing class!

   t's not about dieting, it's changing eating habits forever. — Chaz Bono

   If you can't handle me on Facebook then you definitely don't deserve me at my best! Wait...this is my best!!! Guys, please love me.

   I want to admit my mistakes, but people might think that I'm and idiot.

   news says ,Bcos of Michael Douglas, lots of guys visititing cancer checking centers lol...Thanks, Michael Douglas

   PS4, brought to you by the same folks that brought the phrase root kit to our vocabulary

   For those girls who aint shaved.......I'm perfecting a new perfume called "Forever Alone".... It smells like Carnival Cruise Line on Fire!

   Stupid people really irritate me. I wish I could piss on some people and sprinkle some wisdom on them.

   I had one of those days... kinda like a blind man seeing ur future,,,no like a blonde reading a book,,,nooo like a faT dude doing a speedo shoot,,,noooooo like a crack hoe selling avon.....THATS IT..... Its be a awesome day>>>>>>>

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured.

   if you call yourself "world renowned", guess what? You aren't...

   I believe she prefers to be called Hurricane Sandra, until she blows you then you may call her Sandy.

   I'm sorry, just because you're my next door neighbor doesn't give you the right to ask me how my day is going. Sod off!

   Just watched 5 minutes of Glee and now I get call from some spa to confirm my manicure and pedi appointment

   I really hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career...

   says: Well, everyone was dreaming of a white Christmas and well, we got it... Just on a side note - I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOU DREAMERS. NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL!! :(

   when the doctor tells me to start eating light does he mean I should start drinking a miller lite with every meal?

   didn't take sex ed growing up and had to figure things out on his own ...with a can of Crisco and a shot glass. That's the natural way!

   I enter a talent show. The judges say I don't have the right stuff. I pull out Tom Wolfe's 1979 book "The Right Stuff." The crowd goes wild.