Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that as soon as I do my manicure they get thirsty hungry or need their azz wiped? Geez! smdh

   I only understand like 19% of life!

   I went outside to smoke some weed 2 days ago and haven't been to work since.

   In every crowd there's that guy that used to work in an Inspirational Poster factory.

   Think outside the box and live in the moment.

   I saw an ad on a dating site called: Friends With Benefits. So I made a date, and it went well...right up to when I said, "Ok, I'll be your friend, now where's my health plan?" She got PO'd. Why? What's so bad about that?

   Never trust a girl on a Nutella jar.

   I'm going to sue all of the big media production houses in America. For years I have been keeping digital backups of all of their works and to date they have not paid me a single cent for my services rendered.

   He died by boldly going where no man has gone before by telling her that her shoes were ugly. R.I.P.

   Somewhere, right now, someone is getting something you wanted, but couldn't get, and they didn't try, or even want it.

   Why? I'm telling you why !! If you little brats will shut up for 2 secs I'll tell you why you better not pout or cry

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   "I got my cat fixed" "Is it a dog now?"

   I have an idea for a new movement. Call it “People Against People Against People.” Basically, we’d go around protesting anyone who is discriminating against someone else. Race, religion, political views, it doesn't matter. If you have protesters and

   I was able to earn so much money for my Walk-A-Thon that I was able to take Uber instead.

   Nothing say's "Happy Mother's Day" like a uterus shaped pizza!

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past

   Thinking of the best status to post and nothing funny comes to mind so just pretend this is the funniest status you've read today. - Management

   I think I'm allergic to low-energy lightbulbs. Whenever I switch one on, I can barely fecking see for twenty minutes.

   I want to be the reason you scream, even of it's because I turned off the WiFi