Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Oscar Pistorius "The Blade Runner" murder story has taken over the headlines. Would't it be an even better story if he used a knife to kill her.

   Kesha drank her own urine on her new reality show. RUN WITH it guys...

   I love a good meal at the deli. Where else can I go to get an overabundance of nitrites, nitrates, saturated fats, cholesterol and sodium all served up on weird bread that contains seeds?

   Door shoppoing is harder than I thought. They all have knobs in the glory hole...

   My girlfriend wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an I'm asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we're not as connected as she'd like. I

   Cooker on, bacon, baceaten!

   Kill your vibe? How can I kill something that never existed in the first place?

   woke up this morning with a serious case of sexyback.

   seems like they'd have an app for the smart phones & tablets where you can just write down important things for the ppl that forget stuff.....on the ipad & iphone they can call it "iforget"

   Summer officially checked in at 1:04 am. For Floridians, it also clocked in at 1:04 am. Back in April.

   I'm the least productive after lunch. My metabolism protests against any form of physical or intellectual effort. The boss doesn't get it.

   wondering if anyone's ever gotten someone to do heroin by doing "heeeere comes the airplane!" with the spoon

   Just got bit by a spider, hoping it was radioactive instead of poi

   Played “Big Pimpin” when I saw the Jay-Z's at Toy R Us yesterday. It was worth the a$$ whipping!!

   Dating was never my strong point because I've always been really good at getting laid.

   Hey Jasper, creative genius from the Snapple half and half commercial... I'm pretty sure Arnold Palmer was slightly ahead of your "discovery"

   I'm an experienced drunk texter/facebooker. I keep my mouth shut

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....

   thats what I like the most about you..the way you constantly enter and exit my life..