Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Successfully "lands" a water bottle flip 3 out of 5 attempts. 0-998 in making his socks to the dirty clothes basket.

   I cant make it into work because I overslept because I didn't set my alarm because I knew I would like going to work.

   Just heard a milli vanilli on the radio and I'm not afraid to say that I liked their music! or whoevers music it was they were lip sinking that is to say.

   That moment, when your jerk boss says they are resigning. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Each and every time I hear someone say "Each and every..." I think, "How superfluous".

   I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

   If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

   *me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, I also had a brutal leg day, I woke up again with legs

   It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

   He got a new series, It's Caillou's Wrath Ø69!

   M&M Mars are stupid if they don't shoot a commercial featuring Mayweather and McGregor.

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   Mathias Bachmeier is proof that the US police force isn't perfect.

   Great thing take time, be patient, they will happen.

   Start getting it on with your girl at 1:58 am. Brag to everyone tomorrow that you lasted for over an hour!

   Turtles are lucky because they come with their own nap forts.

   In 2018 we not correcting typos, figure out what we yryig to say.

   have you ever quit alcohol to save money then realised that alcohol money cannot be saved because if you're not drinking it, it doesn't exist?

   “Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

   If you have 12 followers on Instagram, you’re unpopular. If you have 12 followers in real life, you’re the messiah.