Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

   A baseball fan is someone who likes a seriously girly and pathetic sport.

   My loan got approved! Next week, I will be the proud owner of a full tank of gas.

   remember when you. tongue punched that 300 pound woman in the fartbox?

   Breaking News. A woman finds something that she disagrees with. Does not take to social media in an ear splitting snit about it.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   Buck you fuddy, and your whole dod gam family! Why don't you go backoff in your own jackyard and see ho your fussy peels?

   "Quick! Hold this foreskin! No time to explain!" - Religion

   going to DEFCON 4

   If Sarah Palin married Hilary Clinton, who would be the butch one?

   painting her/his skin black and calling her/himself tanisha

   I regret getting the vaccine. I am now having too much fun and spending too much money.

   Ladies. Does listening to Taylor Swift songs actually help you deal with your tragic love lives?

   just plain lucky *

   I hope my dog never finds out I am made of bones

   Fun Fact: Half of the current value of the US Stock Market was created between 1817 and 2009. The other half was created under President Obama.

   [Watching Porn] How is there not lipstick everywhere?!

   "Knock knock." "Who's there?""Dave." "Dave who?" Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

   If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

   Now trading toilet paper for gasoline.