Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What kind of children go to heaven? Dead ones.

   ..[̲̅B̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅w̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅r̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅o̲̅] [̲̅f̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅h̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅u̲̅] [̲̅m̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅n̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅iÌ

   I'm at the age where it is considered rude to pull out a bottle of Ibuprofen unless you have enough for everyone.

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   It's a good thing the Giants are not playing the Jets this Sunday. Remember, the Giants lost last time they met.

   I don;t know what kind of President she would make, but if I am being totally honest; I would hit that.

   Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash

   it's not the size of the wave that counts, it's the motion of the ocean

   first a man, then I was a dragon-man, then I was just a dragon. TROOOGGGDDDOOORRR!!!

   Did you know one of the Vaccine side effects is improved Eyesight ? After 2 doses you'll find you can now see the light at the end of the Tunnel.

   I have trouble always mixing my metaphors. I don't know why. It's not rocket surgery.

   very rich

   ♫ Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame... What? Oh, no, no, no... go on. I was listening.

   Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

   * Like rainy days and mondays he always gets me down.

   FML!.....oh wait not M, I meant Y.....FYL!!! haha, jk

   Dont Ask Don't Tell policy is no more in the U.S. Military Time for a party I'll bring the beer you bring the rear

   I took the Mrs to the doctor's as she had a golf ball stuck up her arse. He said" f*ck me, that's up a fairway"!

   How do you make a woman blind?.... Stick a car windscreen in front of the b!tch.