Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

   i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

   I give women the respect they deserve.............Oh, and by the way, I call my d*ck "respect" :-)

   knows the last digit of PI.

   I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

   No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch.

   I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. I knew right then we weren’t going to workout.

   The waitress at Bob Evans asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

   Does anyone know of any rappers who are proud of their hometowns?

   I've just been diagnosed with a tumor. I was horrified at first, but it's starting to grow on me.

   Every time my woman sends me to the grocery store to pick up a cucumber, I always buy a jar of Vaseline, so people don't think I'm a vegan .

   God please let me find $80,000 on the floor today

   I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

   Claustrophobic : A person afraid of Santa Claus

   hitting you one more time baby.

   last night this guy c ummed in his pants when we were just making out.. Epic fail

   Dear Televised Sports Injury, We saw it the first time. Thanks.

   I got to face the facts. My orange loser will never darken the doors of the white house ever again. Not even as a tourist.

   They should change the name of the Bible to: "The Big Book of Contradictions, Fairy Tales and False Promises."