Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless your baby is an Autobot, keep it the hell away from me.

   My phone was cordless until it got smart.

   My engine brings all the mechanics to the yard,,, and I'm like, You better fix cars...

   No matter how good looking she is, somewhere a man is tired of her crap... Jayz

   dinosaurs were on the ark, Noah was smart enough to know you bring the babies, just bring a pink and a blue one....that part will be important later.

   I only drink to forget what I was about to say.

   Her insomnia was so bad; she couldn't sleep during office hours. :))

   NB: I am not a Giraffe. Not because I'm a boring fart who won't play, but because I am a smart fart who got it right

   People are just waiting to get offended. I'm offended that you're allowed to breathe. :-)

   Sometimes I feel like cashier's find a certain joy in letting things run down the conveyer belt and then stopping it right after I decide to stop it 007 style with the person in front of me.

   If you don't have younger siblings, you're really missing out on having an unpaid servant around you the whole time.

   I'm bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....

   I know inside me there's a skinny person wanting to get out. What bothers me is that it's the entire cast of America's Next Top Model in here.

   I’m on that ”I don’t give a F ...K diet.” I’ve lost 10 a holes already.

   [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   making my world famous caramel onions to sit outside the door of a empty apartment so that way kids wont get pissed off at me when they bite into a onion instead of a caramel apple hehehe Happy Halloween

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ

   Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.