Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The ball got bigger, then it hit me

   Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.

   when you r I'll suddenly everyone around you is a doctor

   Wouldn't it be awesome if Steve revive in 2 days?

   Oscar Pistorius has now changed his name to Oscar Pistol-rius

   Never allow yourself to be used by anyone as a weapon against their enemies. You are not an object, you are a human being for god sake.

   My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...

   Hey ghetto people. Us educated people like the following. CUZ=Because. WIT=With. #=If your older grow up.

   They are holding English signs because they want you to get the heck out of their country

   I got injured by a bull in Pamplona one time. It wasn't bad. He just grazed me.

   Why was Tigger looking into the toilet. He was looking for Pooh

   Wrigley Field... this joke speaks for itself.

   Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.

   To all d jerks & dbags, y'all are like clouds. When y'all disappear, it's a brighter day.

   wheres my money trick : (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table*

   I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

   this just in....Florida is flooding due to all the tears from devastated Florida fans

   I'm smart enough to know that the president has nothing to do with the setting of gas prices. I wish a lot of others can say that.

   When I was born they were probably like “He’ll stop crying soon” yet here I am

   The older I get the more companies are making the lids on jars tighter.