Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As sholes can only make women wet through the tear ducts.

   If you are my friend on Facebook and you need money, don't ask because I have no money. If you are family, or a friend, may I borrow some money? If you are a female and cute, don't worry, I have lots of money $$$

   The only thing that makes marriage different from being on death row is that married people wish they were dead.

   Looks aren't everything but they sure are a lot.

   What's that thing on your face? Why are you showing me your teeth- OH! You're smiling!

   I'm "Relieved my plans got canceled last minute so I can go to bed early.",,,,,,,, years old.

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   Don't you wish you could just start over sometimes? You know, like buy another large pizza after you just ate one and start over.

   that if I'm n line I don't climb up the person's ass in front of me. Relax. It's a line you impatient pricks.

   Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

   Your words are intoxicating. Pour them into my mind.

   Just because shes your girlfriend doesn't mean she isn't someone else's ho.

   Thanks for accepting my, "Friends? We don't even qualify as acquaintances." request.

   I think I just seen my breath outside and I ain't blowing smoke...

   Tesco - It's the little things that make Christmas. Yeah, Vietnamese kids in sweat shops.

   If you say "Reddddddd Robin" Siri says "Yum!"

   Sometimes I wake up grumpy, and sometimes I let him sleep!

   I can turn any alcohol into vomit. Top that, Jesus.

   hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I'm a dingo, I ate your baby

   I brought a salt shaker to a gun fight; to add salt to injuries.