Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having a great day! Life is terrifi........i just crapped myself

   has started calling the office secretaries his minions muahaha!

   This is probably a stupid question, but when my cat shows me her butthole, am I supposed to touch or lick it?

   Border Security Idea: Just Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

   And I care about Charles Manson going to the hospital because?

   White Kid: For Christmas I got 500 dollars, a PS3, and an X Box 360/

   Pancreatic cancer...There isn't an App for that.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   Best worm parent advice... Try to sleep in kids.

   There is a new mohel in town. He doesn't charge for his services; he only takes tips.

   Saw a X today I really liked back in the day. Dodged a Big Ole Bullet there.

   Anyone going to vegas? Put money on the Prison Football team to win it all!

   Sorry I pissed on your leg. I thought you were flirting with me.

   Making breakfast in bed for sleeping booty

   Hwy renters get up and do something to make a difference then! Your rants aren't enough!!!

   I cant wait till I am old and I go up to my grandkids and be like. Did you know that back in my day Eevee only had three evolutions. And they be like, Shut uo grandpa no one plays Pokemon anymore..

   Since ios7, Everytime I unlock my phone, I see the Breaking Bad theme and have to do the BAow... Bow Bow Bow.. in my head.

   Do you know why you’re pressing unlike button that many every day; because, most of time, people are talking and thinking of their own interests.

   I'm not doing it wrong; I'm doing it my way.

   Did that Australian man say Meteorite or mate are you alright