Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Inadvertently just signed off a work email, “should you have any questions, please don’t. Hesitate to ask.” I’m sticking with it.

   “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right.” ~ Henry Ford

   When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   People aren’t really mad when you say, “Let’s Go Brandon.” They’re mad because you’re having fun when they spent four years being angry and joyless.

   Son: Mom, what does “woke” mean? Mom: It’s a parents shocking realization that her kids are being taught extremist bull-crap.

   Elon Musk spent 44 billion sending woke narcissists into a spiral of depression and honestly, it was money well spent.

   Kids today are soft, I died once when I was five and my mom made me walk it off.

   Gavin Newsome savagely mocked for claiming men can’t get pregnant.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

   Regular unleaded: Willie Nelson, Plus unleaded: Snoop Dog, Supreme unleaded: Hunter Biden

   Don’t forget to feed your girlfriend every couple of hours or it gets cranky.

   If you watch my life backwards, I’m a weight watchers success story.

   Welcome to Oregon, tampons are in every boy’s bathrooms.

   You don’t need drugs to get high when you’ve got a 42-foot articulated bucket truck.

   Gas prices hit a new record high and Biden cancelled lease sales for oil and gas on more than a million acres on the same day.

   Kamala Harris sounds like an 8 year old that didn’t read the book, but is trying to give a book report based solely on the cover.

   Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.

   Does anyone know how long you can put chicken in the freezer? I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.

   If you’re shorter than 4 foot your pronouns are, eeny-meeny-miny-moe.