Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"

   Ugly old women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Does anyone know when Facebook is sending out our W2's?

   "Hi Kids! Wanna see how I lost all this weight playing hide the salami? And you might get to see my footlong!!! (which is actually 11")

   I just read an article on Yahoo that says the high-risk areas for Lyme disease is growing. I'm pretty sure I have it! Um... I think mine might be Lemon-Lyme disease... Uh... It might not be a disease, exactly... Anywhoo... I like 7-up!

   I just read an article that Black Friday in Ferguson was a smash hit....

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard weren't really royalty it was just the last name they lied! Hollywood is a liar!

   If you shoot a spider, the sound will make your neighbor call the cops. So shoot your neighbor instead, cause the spider won't call the cops

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   New MAGA Campaign Slogan for Pride Month: Make America Gorgeous Again.

   Christmas - The time of year when you can get the whole dysfunctional family together under one roof!

   Hello welcome to marriage anonymous." Hi, I'm Todd. It's been 12 years since my last decision. I had an independent thought yesterday that I almost said aloud but I called my sponsor and we talked through it & I stayed quiet!"

   looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

   Just occurred to me that because my BMI permits me to get the vaccine tomorrow, and because the vaccination will enable me to protect myself and others, my thick thighs will in fact save lives.

   I wish someone wanted to hang out just to get to know me as a person. It's like they only want what they see in a picture or a post. I want someone to see ME. Who I am.

   If you SUCK at playing the Sax , that might be your problem !

   taking away a Trans-gender bathroom that critical to people?

   When I see you in hell I'll still ignore you

   loves Ben & Jerry's ice cream but this new "Schweddy Balls" flavor is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

   Mentally. Physically. Faster. Stronger. Work hard. Play hard. Pray hard.