Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *suddenly pulls away from kissing* "But really, how DO they signal for Batman during the day!?"

   Do not bother me with stupid $h!t. What is stupid $h!t? It is anything I don't want to be bothered with.

   My awesomeness z like an epiphany... It comes and goes, can never see it coming nor can you try to stop it.

   Back when I was a kid, there was no internet.....So people would sometimes have to walk for miles just to call me a c&%t

   Women who get breast implants have delusions of glandular.

   In Africa we experineve governemt shut down everyday I'm hustling hustling hustling

   See how everyone forgot... The comet that will be here on December 25th, is just one of Santa's Reindeers

   I know that the change in seasons is good, fireplaces, hot toddy's, we need the rain, etc. But couldn't we just set our clocks back again please, to, I dunno, July???!!!

   the reason it's called the deadlift is because the bloke who came up with it died.

   Apparently it is National Pancakes Day. Dreams really do come true!

   I hear there is a job opening at the Bit-coin Company.

   Why has no Media source asked J. J. Abrams where Malaysia flight 370 is?

   Malaysia Air uses Waze Maps

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   But sir, in your bio it is clearly mentioned that you are funny. How then?

   .... There are two things in life that are certain ... and I took care of one of them today .... I'm really hoping the other one will hold off for quite a while!!!

   If you’ve ever run out of alcohol then looked around the room for something to f cuk you up…then you’re a lot like me.

   Officer: can I see your driver's licence please madam? Me: I have a driver's licence?

   I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart.

   I don't need no love all I need is the DJ