Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guy: I only pooped twice yesterday. Is there something wrong with me? Girl: I've already pooped twice this month. Is there something wrong with me?

   My wife & I split up over a family game of buckaroo.... I was left to pick up the pieces

   Michelle Obama's motorcade escorts injured in Ohio Crash- Yahoo News Headline... Yahoo Dude!! You really need to work hard- CNN.

   Just saw somebody in the third row pull out their flip phone at the State of the Union address. You know we are in trouble.

   I don't know much about the history of war, but Iwo Jima taught me one thing. those flags were really heavy back then.

   "I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here sweatin my balls off for all this beauty."

   If I were a waiter & someone was rude to me, I wouldn't touch their food. I'm an adult. I'd hide in the back seat of their car with a knife.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   Taylor Swift: Relationships Are Like Traffic Lights … Maybe I’ll Be Single Forever.

   just woke up, stepped outside took a deep breath, smiled, and waved at all the neighbors...then realized I'm ONLY wearing my pink slippers!

   Sure love doesn't cost a thing. Now hand over your soul.

   My Pinterest account was hacked godammit. As soon as I find out who's responsible, I'm knitting a voodoo doll. No one fcuks with SewEZ2love

   Went grocery shopping hungry. Left with 3 cases of beer and a bag of pretzels.

   You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.

   The owner of this bar is arguing with me that Mourinho is a better manager than Wenger. I just had to remind him that "the customer is always right Sir"

   My brain must think sleep= death... every time I try to fall asleep, my life flashes before my eyes. Well, the embarrassing bits, anyways.

   [sees a baby napping] get a job like the rest of us you lazy dwarf

   "Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time.

   Tiger had to withdraw because he couldn't activate his glutes. Hopefully he can still activate Lindsey's glutes.

   Ladies, if a man asks another "did you f**k her?" and he answers "A gentleman has no memory", that means "YES"