Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have two nipples, and I aint sharing either one of 'em.

   out like janet jackson's right nipple! g'nite! =)

   Can't remember the name of the last girl she slept with. It's on the tip of my tongue.

   thinkin that girls a stunt... a little bit stupid and a little bit of a ....

   Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year, Wonder why every one hate america

   It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

   Please Wait...My heart is now loading...20% completed.40% completed.80% completed.99.9% completed...Error! Error!..Something has interrupted the download. Please try again later.

   Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk past you again?

   a ninja NO YOU ARE NOT! you saw that?? SAW WHAT? exactly...

   This just in...Steinbrenner tells Jesus he has 3 days to cut his hair and shave his beard or he will be benched

   I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

   Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   sometimes when i'm drunk I choose the Chinese option on the ATM to challenge myself.

   A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL." :)

   I only use the Asian laundromats. It takes two wongs to make it white.

   (phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninja* *grabs phone* "damn, I thought you were some else!"

   ‎"Every kiss begins with Kay." But for second base and beyond, go with Tiffany. Victoria Secret should be 3rd base....Cartier home run

   So I was wondering. If I paid to go watch a football game and suddenly in the middle of the game all the christian players get raptured up into heaven, do I get a refund???