Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old people can sleep through anything. Betting this chainsaw says differently.

   Got 99 problems but your being so hot can solve sex of them.

   Life was easier and simpler when I was apart of the Sheepeople herd.

   Can Travelocity help me find a vacant womb for the weekend?

   Don't you wish your stalker was hot like me? Don't you wish your stalker was far like me? Don't you?

   You ever fart so loud that your ex-girlfriend calls you to see how you're doing?

   Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker....

   just looked at Yahoo! Trending Now: Brett Favre and Britney Spears right next to each other. Uh-oh. This could get out of hand in a hurry...

   They told me to set my clock back Saturday night... Well I set mine back till when I was 27... Come Sunday morning after partying all night... I found out that it didn't work out so well...

   Only in the US it's called "that little squiggly thingy", all other english speaking countries call it "Tilde".

   I don't think there is anything funny about hitting your funnybone...

   Ive been looking for my phone for over 3 hours. I cant find it nowhere! This happened ever since I downloaded this new app from Android called "HIDE AND SEEK".

   I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

   a jukebox hero with stars in his eyes

   I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

   Never apologised for what you feel it's like saying sorrry 4 being real!

   One of the Chilean miner's wives is taking him on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector. The first question is... "Apart from the 32 she knows about have you had sexual contact with anyone else in the past 3 months !

   saying, i'm not moody, just don't want to talk to you every wed and fri..

   there are many peoples in front of pc for fb than doing their assignments today. it is a fact..trust me!

   whip it ! whip it real good !