Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least that's what this restraining order says.

   Sorry I fake yawned when you started talking.

   How long has it been since you were not fat? - a question you can not ask a job candidate, apparently

   sitting here watching "102 Dalmations" & I wonder if Lady Gaga got her fashion sense from Cruella De Vil

   i find it ironic that in "the smurfs 2" the stepdad explains to Neil Patrick Harris' character how he met his mother

   Mike Tyson old and frail enough to let him know the tattoo on his face looks stupid? No? Not yet? Hey Mike you rocked in the Hangover

   I'm not saying your p osts aren't hilarious. I'm just saying that I've seen most of them on little wooden signs hanging in my moms bathroom.

   RuPaul's idea of a "drag race" is totally different than mine.

   They think I have superiority complex; it's because I'm better than them.

   I wish there was a kick under table for people who share their embarrassing photos and staff on Internet.

   Why won't anyone in my trailer watch ET with me????

   Crime doesn't pay folks ...Oh! wait Whitey Bulger lives like Scarface his young life & Now he gets to stay in a nursing home completely free? Prison ...nursing home..>> same thing !

   Research has shown that 20% of your Facebok friends hate your guts and would like to see you die a horrible death.

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.

   If someone could take my phone away from me, that'd be great, thanks

   Vodka would never tell me to put my phone down and see a therapist for my addictions.

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again" [me from a distance] just open it

   Its wierd how acceptable it is to put your genitals in someone else's mouth.

   There is so much caffeine and sugar in my system by 8am, that if I conceived your child at that moment you would have to name it Honey-Boo-Boo.

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.