Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know she loves you when she gets all clumsy when you're near and fumbles with the rape whistle

   Nice try airport, you checked my bag and pockets for weed but you forgot to check my system. Hahahaha

   Happy Hump Day! Hemp. Darn auto correct.

   I like to practice ballet every day because it keeps me on my toes.

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me

   Light beer is like my Uncle James. He sucks too...

   Oh, I would love to stay for your yoga class....but, I think I would rather floss with barbwire or give myself a tattoo.

   The Polar Vortex was caused by my wife's feet.

   Three times when it is OK for a man to cry: At your father's funeral, when a heroic dog dies saving his master, and when Mr. Happy gets caught in your zipper.

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.

   omg black saturday makes me feel so awkward

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   Show your partner you care by pretending they are the only person you sext.

   I Woke up so excited this morning when I saw World Cup listed on my Tv .Imagine my dissapointment when I found out it was soccer and not quidditch.

   Just sitting here and realized that the old Bob Seger song 'Fire down below" is not about contracting an STD. Bummer

   “It is the preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else that prevents us from living freely and nobly.” ― Bertrand Russell

   I must have been involved in some filthy debauchery last night, because when I woke up the Jesus statue in my bedroom was facing the wall.