Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2015 Come on everybody let's party like a Cleveland Browns back up quarterback!!!

   Play Trivia Crack they said. It'll be fun they said... phukerz.

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop.

   Marys dragging me to some play tonight #bored #killme

   Thought I heard birds chirping and almost threw a lamp. It's not spring yet, sky rats.

   and, liking - you liked your own statuse by yourself- your own status is like high fiving yourself in public.

   Don't think I can't feel you removing my Crocs and jorts with your eyes, Phyllis?

   Who wants to see a picture of my toasted bagel with cream cheese. . .

   I never use my phone as a phone. Not because I don't like talking, I just never forgave them for all the times they kicked me off the internet.

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   Your girlfriend brings all the boys to the yard because she always swallows.

   They can probably ditch the "Insane" part, as it's pretty much implied in the concept of a posse made entirely of clowns.

   The hardest part of breaking up is finding somewhere to dump the body.

   Facebook must be prepping for upgrade, the new one will suck you in faster than a Hoover vac held by a prisoner who hasn't seen a woman in 20 years!

   The most enjoyable form of the "50 Shades of Grey" is the Braille edition.

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   Male Version: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Female Version: Why buy the whole pig when you just want a little sausage?

   Male version: why buy the camel when you can get the toe for free?

   More often than not sadly... The three phases of love: 1.XOXO 2. XXX 3.EX

   I put banana peels all around the bedroom to test this "slip and fall on a d*ck" theory.