Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   girls are like phones. we love to be held and talked to but if you press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!!

   a guy always thinks how to break up after getting laid,,

   "Red, yellow, blue, yellow, yellow, red." -The lyrics to "Walk This Way" as performed on Guitar Hero

   I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

   My husband wished me a happy first day this morning (the first day for the next 25 years of marriage). I suggested we go for 50 to torment the children.

   If there isn't a group of stoner college kids with a Summer cleaning business called "High Maintenance" then I'm truly afraid for our next generation of leaders.

   Everyone says I'm short as if it isn't obvious enough, but that just means I'm a smaller, more awesome version of all the normal sized people

   Now completely convinced that Lady-Man GaGa is a dude..

   I think I just hit the wrong button on the TV remote at the hotel. Its one of those 9.99 dollar PPV with some really talented ladies. Hmmm, My boss won't believe I did it by accident. Oh well, might as well at least get my monies worth...

   I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.

   Happy bday beyonce the only singer to b almost 30 nd not pregnant

   Life lesson # 1,987- the Time I filled out an app for a job at the day care, and under "related skills" I put - Teaching kids how to make stick ppl out of tampons".. Ya, Mngmnt dont like that!!!! - just saying!!

   I like it when my girl plays the hard to get game with me, and ends up letting me have my way

   come on weekend why your taking so long to come

   going steal your CAPS lock & shift key if you don't stope YELLING...or unfriend you

   Just because you don't have a pool, doesn't mean you can't have a diving board.

   The World Much Easier when APPLE and BLACKBERRY were still a FRUIT..:D

   hiding behind your door waiting to scare you...:O

   To make it easy on everyone, here is the correct pronunciation of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull: THOR'S BUNGHOLE.

   i was having lunch with a chess champion the other day.I knew he was a champion coz it took him 20 mins to just pass the salt.