Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   too lazy to inform everyone that I am cleaning my friend list, so feel free to unfriend yourselves.

   "the govt doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs

   One Flush: Courtesy. Two flushes: Don't go in there! Three flushes: run for your lives, she's gonna blow!

   Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

   Being dead inside is sad but being dead outside is way sadder.

   I don't mind coming to work… but this 8 hours wait is bulls#$%

   Lets this be a warning...to all the kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, faster than my gun

   I took my ex Eileen to an orgy party one time, You should have seen the mess she was in when they started playing Dexy's midnight runners every 10min

   Ay, were dudes it's Sunday and our teams are playing, were gonna talk about football, you wanna make a good wife one day then get used to it

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   The best thing about me is... I can be one of the guys an also one of the girls too!

   Before his wiener got seared off, Anakin Skywalker was an obsessive Master-Vader.

   Have you even seen an airplane landing without wheels? I never knew legs could kick that fast.

   starting up a dating website exclusively for pyromaniacs. I shall call it "Mymatchbook".

   she may be from Kentucky but she is still one hell of a throat yodleler...

   American Patriotism is not defined as the love of our country to the exclusion of all else, it's the love of a country that's great enough to include everything else!

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   remembers the last thing a wise man said to me was "Help! I'm drowning!" I never knew what he meant by that tho... he was so wise.

   in a relationship with Facebook and It's Complicated...