Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia. I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

   If some of your citizens have lost faith in the flag and country, maybe you needs to try to find out why and address their grievances instead of trying to force them to respect the flag and love their country.

   The music band, Queen, said they misspoke on one of their song lyrics. They meant to say, We WON'T Rock You.

   Have you ever read a book or watched a movie that touched your soul so deeply it changed your entire outlook on life? I just took a dump like that….

   I was making love to Robert Pattinson for seven hours straight until security told me that Madam Tussuads was getting ready to close.

   I'm never disappointed. everything happens for a reason. I jus get pissed waiting to see what dat reason was exactly.

   its your birthday too today? well this is for christmas AND your bday !

   Private eyes....Are watching you....Listening to your every move....

   one wrong key stroke and my last status was "Due to a high phone bill I'm switching to Bondage".

   I dont do Drugs, I am Drugs

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!

   I eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I eat.

   that a gun in ur pocket...or you just happy to see me? ;)P

   Man you cant be old and have that blue 200 flush cleaner. I have blue ballz now cause they sag so low

   Touch your toes And touch your toes And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.

   A Middle Eastern man bought a lot of stuff off the internet but never received it. Unfortunately he was E-gypt.

   put a clock in the freezer with the attempt to freeze time. Attempt FAILED! Ughh...

   Easter Bunny to her baby chic: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions!"

   24 beers in a case... 24 hours in a day... is that a coinsidence???

   What color does a smurf go when you choke it ?