Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   me and time are drinking buddies. Whenever we get around each other we get absolutely wasted

   ˙˙˙ǝʇıɹ ʇou ƃuıɥʇǝɯos ʇnq ˙˙˙ssǝןǝɹıʍ snʇɐʇs sıɥ ƃuıʇɐpdn sı

   Had my accupuncture appointment earlier this afternoon, I discovered that I had to pee after about the 10th needle was put in me

   I think I found the solution for the global warming...we can send that guy that I now, who's responsible of 65% of gas emissions on earth, to space...and the problem will be solved.

   thinks this world is filled with mistakes and regrets, but it's all a lesson. Learn from it.

   wishes diets would be easier....like a burger diet or a pizza diet...best would be alcohol diet....man I would dedicate my life to following interesting diets like that....goes without saying I meant if those diets help you lose weight....wow....god is u

   may not be suitable for young adults

   For my new year's resolution I will think of a password other than “password”

   was let out today from the men in white coats man what the hell were they thinking

   thankful for friends whom willingly travel to the ends of the earth to search for the plot that he/she managed to lose; and yet be gracious enough not to cast judgement on its condition when they find it.

   This is a mean,cruel world & I want my nappy & medications right now!

   Gentleman is a man who can play accordeon but doesnt.

   Those that say majority rules have obviously not watched the NBA.

   Noticed the guy in front of me making a right turn into a cemetery. Tried shouting at him that it's a dead end, but he wouldn't listen...

   Score one for the good guys! Trump is going to protect the dreamers.

   GOP congressman moves to block Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill, suggests Paula Deen replace her instead.

   Jesus would have been a great musical act on a cruise ship because Jesus rocks on water.

   Look out ladies, Donald Trump might be single soon as Melania isn't happy with her husband.

   it true atheist children lie down and make snow corpses

   Spoiler Alert: Penny strangles Sheldon to death on the last episode of The Big Bang Theory.