Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

   smoking probable cause :D

   My new checks all have trampolines on them. Just so bill collectors know they may bounce!

   don't call the RSPCA if your boyfriend sends you the text 'i want to kick your puppy'......he's just using predictive text

   Why is it that every gal i'm in touch with these days is so sh*t fo brains??i mean, god,please,get 'Some'body with even half f it. . fine,make her ugly as hell but pls,'Some' brains atleast? beauty and brains don't go together at all,I know now. . . :/

   A hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain

   The best thing in this status is when you realized that it mean nothing and it's too late to stop reading...

   Ob-la-di, ob-la-da life goes on brah, La la how the life goes on

   those sweet kind words you encraved in my mind, do me a favor and chocke on them.

   Evidently once your mother leaves the house you jump on her computer and think your a comedian with the "once you....."

   Have you seen the remix video of "Black and Yellow" featuring R. Kelly?

   Okay, who put super glue in my K why Jelly Warming Sensation bottle?

   "What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?" "You can't make a vitamin..."

   True story: Apparently there is a bar/club called "G-spot" in my area. One night a girl came up to me downtown and asked me where the "G-spot" was located and I said I didn't know. Epic Fail

   Why do you ladies feel it necessary to manipulate a man to get what you want?? Well, lol...we buy you a drink cuz we think your thirsty!!

   You're so trashy, I'm surprised the garbage man doesn't try to pick you up with the rest of the trash bins.

   eating chocolate+ shooting singing cats with my water gun= happiness

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?

   DRUNKEN BAR FIGHT. Put the 1st 8 friends at the left of your profile in order... this does not work for moble users...CRAP.

   One man says to the other "I heard Joe is doing Crystal Meth now." The other man replys "Who's Crystal and how longs he been doing her?"