Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   these pretzals are making me thirsty

   One of the most difficult jobs in the world is being a mother. If done wrong, you could ruin someone's future......NO PRESSURE!!!

   Brett also got me a pen for my birthday.....He should have splurged and gotten a better one though... I can totally get out of this one....

   Our team has just recovered the black box & it would seem that Harrison Ford's earring did indeed confuse the compass & other controls.

   Dog is man's best friend. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Therefore, a dog made out of diamonds should be everybody's friend.

   Being a lesbian sounds fun, you can get your nails painted while you scissor.

   How much for this black sheep? Sir, that's a mirror.

   Don’t you hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...don’t you hate it?

   Great British Bake-Off tonight. In honour of the iPhone launch last night, they too will be trying to improve the Apple Turnover.

   When fat people say that they're on a diet it just means they've started using napkins to try and take some grease off their pizzas.

   If I could have a moment of your time I'd just like to say, Happy Easter everyone.

   Throat grabbing is one of my signature moves. Although this chic taking my order at McDonald's right now doesn't seem all that into it.

   Then there was a cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods

   Will you be my Alentine? If so, later I will give you the V.

   No one respects women more than DT, because if they don't respect him he will grab them by the p@ssy."

   By this point in December anytime I type 'amazing' into my phone it changes to Amazon so time to cut back online shopping and your sweater looks Amazon.

   The Gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately, the line at KFC was shorter than usual. Already in Love with New Year's resolution

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.

   How long do you think Tomi Lahren will wait to start sending nudes to Donald Trump Jr?

   Paul Manafort just offered to help Vladimir Putin move apartments.