Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish. . .

   so, you graduated from the school of hard knocks? Wow, very impressive...can I sleep with you??

   I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

   Just realized that with all this ice lately, technically I'm walking on water too, so take that Jesus!

   it's about time the majority of those people who opposed Marijuana have finally died. . .

   Miley Cyrus I'll with allergic reaction:-CNN.. CNN, dude.. who cares about her?

   important status announcement - bacon sandwiches

   if someone is bipolar & bisexual, are they a "quad"?

   ♫♫♫♫♫ The sounds of violence ♫♫♫♫♫

   My buddy only has one ball so when he sexts his GF he uses 4===D.

   Could someone introduce Beiber to Casey Kasem?

   I am hoping on game of thrones when Daenerys Targaryen's dragons get older they magically turn into Puff and it all goes cartoon.

   My dad gets drunk sometimes and tells my sister and I really hurtful things like “I wish I had a son”.

   Neighbor - n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

   Watching 50 Shades of Grey and O.M.G. My playroom Looks. Exactly. Like. That!

   I just heard my grandma yell "The United States is dropping the bomb on Japan again!"

   Dear Hospital this chicken broth would be much better if it had noodles, corn and chicken in it.

   This chicken is so uncooked that a skilled vet could still save him

   Hey people who actaully spend money on selfie sticks; since you like buying dumb sh*t, I am also selling ...

   Look out Taylor Swift, I'm going to produce my first musical soundtrack. Music for cats, my first song will be the sound of a can opener. I already see it going gold!