Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I drove by a yard sale today. I know this because they had a child standing out front holding a sign that read "Yard Sale". Apparently they couldn't afford a stick.

   Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?

   When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.

   I wish these people would stop sending me job offers for 5k a month to sit at my computer at home and work... after I get that check from the nigerian lottery i'm not going to need a job! suckers ;)

   Gas diet: Get your paycheck... fill up your car and you have no money to buy food! Bam...you lose weight!

   The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself..!!

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I Miss New York", so I smashed their window and stole their radio.

   Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.

   The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.

   Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"

   Your/You're, Then/Than, To/Two/Too, Who's/Whose, There/Their.... Please learn the difference kids.You're our future.

   If they feel the need to point out your flaws, THEY might be your biggest one.

   Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?

   When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she'd tried & he just wanted to get to the party

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.

   Let's declare the U.S.-Mexico border a National Park. That way, it will be closed.

   Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.

   My anaconda really doesn't care if you got buns or not.

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe.