Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   If you're worried about peeing on your necktie, then the answer is yes,,, you've tied it wrong.

   "Is that one of them porn machines?" - My grandpa, whenever he sees an iPad

   "The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.

   The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there

   Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.

   The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…

   Just remember, If we get caught you're deaf and I don't speak English.

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol, dignity is not one of them...

   Do you think St. Patrick is looking down from heaven thinking, "What are they doing? I hated beer and the color green."

   I don't run away from my problems. That's immature. I ignore them.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early and I am too.

   My morning bowel movement would be a lot more relaxing if it happened at home or at work instead of during my commute

   Ladies, if you are not that good an artist on paper, what makes you think you are a good artists on your eyebrows? Stop domestic violence against eyebrows!!

   You're not stupid, You're just an exceptionally gifted monkey.

   Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.

   My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.

   BREAKING: FBI finds John Wilkes Booth "extremely careless" in discharge of firearm.

   In Jurassic World, they were able to train raptors. Still not as impressive as the Flintstones convincing a bird to be their record player.

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends