Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

   If you’re going to do something that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

   Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.

   It’s better to appear strange to others than to be a stranger to yourself.

   War is God’s way of teaching us geography.

   If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

   Friends are like boobs: some are real, and some are fake.

   LGBTQ: Liquor, Guns, Bacon, Tits and Quicksand.

   Was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

   Dog: You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and you feel so bad about it that you can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day? Cat: no.

   We never had a baby formula shortage until men started getting pregnant.

   I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

   The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

   Hey, how long has it been? Not long enough.

   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

   Don’t take your kids to Disney World this summer, they don’t deserve your money or your support.

   When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

   My tongue itches, can I scratch it on your baby maker?

   Got up at 5am, 8 mile run completed, made a vegetable smoothie for breakfast…. Can’t remember the rest of the dream.

   A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.