Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a red rider 200 shot carbine action range model air rifle with a compass and this thing which tells time built right in the stock.

   Golf is a good walk ruined

   People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   You're a first time vegan and it's nice to meat ya

   i was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy I would have nothing to play with!

   getting ready for May 21st (this Friday) which is Talk Like Yoda Day...practicing we should be, hmm?

   is thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing and you are reading my status. Hang in there mate !!

   If I threw all my problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, I'd grab mines back...

   When you fight with a pig in the mud you both get dirty, but the pig likes it!

   They say that 15% of all Facebook Status updates are written on the toilet, but I think that's a bunch of crap.

   Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.

   At $50 billion, Facebook is now worth as much as Oprah's little finger

   how you doing(in that guy with the golden voice kind of voice)

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   If someone makes a valid point, you don't just get to say 'hater' and walk away feeling like you've won. If you say: 'you're just a hater' they should take away your right to vote or own property.

   Note to self: "Bring sexy back"

   I guess one thing that is good about going to hell is at least you can pee wherever you want to.

   Donald Trump celebrated Free Slurpee Day by honoring those brave souls who died on 7/11.

   Ted Cruz arrested for cannibalism after eating a bowl of Jell-O

   I have an appointment tomorrow with a new proctologist. He's supposed to be a terrific doctor with a great butt-side manner.