Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you have an iphone, it means you like being told what to like.

   The GOP's answer to Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   Ivanka Trump's West Wing Duties: 1) Smile. 2) Stick chest out. 3) Hold Daddy's hand and make sure he remains calm. 4) Administer meds.

   Trump bills Germany $300 BILLION for Nato (even though that's not how it works). Dude will try anything to recoup his Trump Steak losses.

   According to this bathroom stall, Yo mama changed her number again.

   We'll be setting our clocks back soon. Gaining an extra hour in 2021 is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album.

   . Two little boys Tyrone and Leroy who are friends are arguing on the play ground. Tyrone said my daddy can beat up your daddy. Leroy said no he can't, your daddy is my daddy too.

   Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?

   If you're happy and you know it, please keep your mouth shut as no one wants to hear from a Trump supporter.

   Its OK that you are voting for Hillary. In fact when Trump wins, you retards will get much better medical treatment.

   I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

   The police officer asked Tigers wife "how many times did you hit him ma'am?" She responded "Oh, I don't know, put me down for a 5"

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

   Mike Ahern took a viagra (it got got stuck in his neck now he has a stiff neck,) licked a smurf, ran over his cell phone in the dining room, talked to a banana and karate chopped his dog in the elevator. It's gonna be a looong day

   heres a bombshell just for you...turns out i've been lying too

   life is about kicking a$$ not kissing it!!!!!

   I was just told that it takes three sheep to make one sweater. Wow. Thats shocking. I didnt know sheep could knit.

   Most people who enjoy racecars don't know what a palindrome is

   Gravity is pulling my pants OFF!!! 0:)

   ..thinks having bags under your eyes is no big deal. It's finding the shoes to match is the real problem!