Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe it's already been a whole year since the world ended.. :(

   I haven't given up hope yet. I still have a Powerball ticket at home that I haven't checked.

   Unless the waitress is hot and with it nobody wants to see a photo of the food you got at the resturant.

   This Year I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex...... Box One

   When I said your were an angel, I meant Lucifer.

   A 15 year-old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Not to brag, but I'm pretty amazing at smacking asses

   going for shots this morning. the dogs are getting rabies and I'm getting starbucks

   There is more strippers in Detroit then normal people.

   every time a hipster says they can't eat gluten Zooey Dechanel gets an extra eyelash

   I won the spelling bee in second grade due to a technicalaty.

   I'm so upset! I just got a hole in my jeans. Damnit!! And they were my favourite torn jeans. I only wanted three holes, not four.

   a painter paints pictures on canvas musicians paint the pictures on silence unless you're a musician in a cover band your painting by numbers over a bunch of loud mouth drunks

   When did Marie Osmond become a Dietician?

   I would totally be in a relationship right now, but I prefer sex without complications.

   I want to spread your thoughts wide open.

   its sports analyst. if you are gonna make fun of people don't give them material for a comeback

   I guess it was a bad idea to dedicate "Another One Bites the Dust" to your newly wed friend.

   I think Commercials on Pandora & Youtube are the Devil.