Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love watching two girls meet each other. It's easily the most fake thing I have ever seen.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   used the money I saved on my gym membership and bought PhotoShop.

   You ever had a dream so damn good, you were pissed right after you woke up because you didn't want it to end....then you tried to go back to sleep to continue it but failed?

   I was just sexually harassed. Screw a lawsuit. I haven't been this flattered in a while..

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   I can't wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I survived the end of the world!

   Nothing more uncomfortable than a girl with a lazy eye looking up at you while giving you head.

   This is actually a pretty horrible dating site you guys.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

   I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food... I dont even know where sandwiches live!

   Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.

   Kate is officially a milf

   Looking on the bright side, if the Mayans are right, this is the last Monday we'll ever have to deal with.

   Love in 2013 means answering each other’s texts immediately.

   Sorry, but your kids don't look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

   Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said "Math wasn't your strongest subject,was it?"

   I say the candidates do us all a favor and stop the annoying commercial/adds on TV and donate that money to help those affected by Sandy.

   Hey Bob Costas, you can have my Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms the day after you give up your right to free speech under the First Amendment.