Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!

   waiting for you to log off so they can get back on chat and actually do something!

   Gene Police: You!! Out Of The Pool!

   just got out of the shower and dried off with a Sham Wow! Now he's slipping into a Snuggie and playing with his Mighty Putty.

   slowly undressing behind you!

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   Whoever started the tradition to wear bright hideous Hawaiian shirts on "casual fridays" needs to be punch in the throat.

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...

   Jersey Shore is on tonight? I guess I need to figure out how to get these Valtrex into my DirecTV box then.

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   are the mosquitos bad.....are the mosquitos BAD ?!?... last night I saw two on my patio with Drinks in their hand "huffing" deep woods off .... while one said to the other " dude...you catch a buzz yet"..... yes they're that bad

   There are countless ways of attaining greatness, but any road to reaching one's maximum potential must be built on a bedrock of respect for the individual, a commitment to excellence, and a rejection of mediocrity."

   The olympics... the only time where you can be a male swimmer and we won't think you're gay.

   Considering my balance, my credit card has the best theft detection ever. It just says declined no matter what you try to buy.

   Why does Cheaters need a camera crew of 600?

   One of my buddies on facebook "liked" the movie 8 seconds. It said on facebook that "Dave likes 8 seconds." I bet his wife doesn't.

   destructive forces have hit the Gulf Coast! Oh, and a hurricane sweeped by.