Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you kill two birds with one stone, ..you'd better be prepared for those damn PETA people to show up at your door.

   It's not every day you see a grown man on a treadmill making Six Million Dollar Man sound effects. Remarkably, this girl next to me remains unimpressed.

   The saying goes "Always wear cleaned underwear, you never know when your going to be hit by a bus." But isn't it when you get hit by the bus, you SH*T yourself, already ruining your clean knickers?

   BP Says It Has Successfully Contained Flow of Information About Spill

   The most powerful position is on your knees.

   Why using botox, when there is a cheaper way. Blow into a Vuvuzela and after 20 minutes you look better than Angelina Jolie ever did

   Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   life has no remote.change it yourself

   Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong

   anyone heard anything about Cam Newton? It's been kinda quiet the past 3 minutes

   You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

   thankful he's not a turkey

   This is a 1:1 scale model of a Facebook update.

   Why doesn't Homeland Security call the new "If You See Something, Say Something" campaign, "The National Tattle-Tell Campaign"?

   My girlfriend made me promise that when I fly home this Christmas it was her that I fantasized about during my "TSA pat down"

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   I replaced se× with food. Now I can't even get in my own pants.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.