Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so out of your league, even your fantasy version of me ignores you.

   if dinosaurs really existed why dont you hear about them in the bible?...not even loading 2 of them on the ark

   After the morning news...decided I didnt need to play R.E.M (It's the end of the world, as we know it ) every morning, like I have since November 2008.....Bahahahahaha

   considering starting a Hooters for us girls. It will be called C*cks, feature a rooster instead of an owl, and only hire gorgeous, well-hung boy toys.

   ...is a Vagitarian. :-)

   America: We blow sh*t up better than the rest of yous funny-talkin' countries.

   M uslims killing M uslims is a NO NO in I slam. But killing anybody else who is not a M uslim is perfectly fine.

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   got the power

   i bet evry person that has ever been on The Maury Povich Show voted for Obama.

   For all that don't know yet " Batman DIES in the New Movie " your welcome.

   I know Canadians are generally boring people, but canadian25 you need to be arrested and charged with killing funny on this platform.

   Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap? Hells Bells! I must say, I'm Thunderstruck. I know it's a Long Way To The Top, and if You Want Blood, you'd better Shoot To Thrill with a Big Gun, but still he must have some Big Balls. I guess Money Talks...

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   Hey airlines; how 'bout you seat all the heavyweights in the same rows? I only got to sit in half the seat I paid for today!

   on the verge of a psychotic breakdown

   heard that the new George W Bush book is a pop-up picture book. At first I laughed, then I realized it made perfect sense. My professors always taught me "write for your audience". So kudos Gdub. Mission accomplished...

   I wish for once they'd kill that Harry Potter.

   kinda paranoid knowing that "therapist" looks exactly like "the rapist"