Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   got the power

   i bet evry person that has ever been on The Maury Povich Show voted for Obama.

   For all that don't know yet " Batman DIES in the New Movie " your welcome.

   I know Canadians are generally boring people, but canadian25 you need to be arrested and charged with killing funny on this platform.

   Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap? Hells Bells! I must say, I'm Thunderstruck. I know it's a Long Way To The Top, and if You Want Blood, you'd better Shoot To Thrill with a Big Gun, but still he must have some Big Balls. I guess Money Talks...

   I made a poem for my coworkers.. " Don't bother me at lunch,,, Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch... Don't bother me at lunch.."

   Hey airlines; how 'bout you seat all the heavyweights in the same rows? I only got to sit in half the seat I paid for today!

   on the verge of a psychotic breakdown

   heard that the new George W Bush book is a pop-up picture book. At first I laughed, then I realized it made perfect sense. My professors always taught me "write for your audience". So kudos Gdub. Mission accomplished...

   I wish for once they'd kill that Harry Potter.

   kinda paranoid knowing that "therapist" looks exactly like "the rapist"

   I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   Confucius Say: Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about?

   President Obama is asking if they can build a statue of Manny Pacquiao to scare off Mexicans from crossing the US border!

   why hasn't there been a woman on the moon yet? cause it does not need cleaning yet!

   overheard in the Oval Office: "If Bristol Palin wins tonight, we bomb Alaska in 10 minutes."