Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyday I hear people say they would to take a break and get some fresh air. So, this year I'm wrapping some up in boxes and giving as Christmas gifts.

   I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations but I think you should give me some credit for excelling at disappointing you.

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   Don't get mad... get weed.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   Have you ever walked into a room after a gay 0rgy? That's how your breath smells in the morning

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   Every since we got a Handicap permit, It's like everybody got one and I can't never find Handicap parking Now.

   Honey I shrunk the kids' college savings,,, and bet on a pure bred horse

   Never trust a guy who says trust me

   Those who don't know me think I'm on drugs. Those who do think I should be.

   Women don't like women that look like women you used to date.

   What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore I was wearing one but I was still shot by the woman's husband

   I hate Throwback Thursday. I already have to see your ugly face in a hundred different angles from your selfies. Now I have to see how fat and ugly you were as a kid too?!

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   If you don't have anything nice to say, I hope it's about someone I hate.

   Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   If you use the word “extravaganza” in a poster for your party I immediately assume it will be held in a retirement home.