Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quick! Marry me, I'll explain later.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   Got divorced 5 years ago and just found a box of baking soda in the fridge. It's still good, right??

   My ideal job is probably just singing the "Not this time" part in that En Vogue song "My Lovin' (You're Never Gonna Get It)".

   Don't know what I did but kids have been coming to my house and giving me bags full of candy all night!!!

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   I hate the moon mainly because it's something I have to share with Nicki Minaj.

   I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...

   I just "Al Rokered" myself...........................

   joy, now we get to spend the next 2 weeks hearing about the Harbaugh brothers...

   Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

   I wish ovens had a pizza button just like the microwave has a popcorn button

   Time to watch me some Men in Tights. Yay Superbowl!

   it's probably too late for booze in my coffee so I'm just going with booze...

   I wish I could illegally download clothes from the internet.

   I would be the worst 911 Operator! ''Excuse me ma'am, I think you mean 'The Robber is over there!' Not over their or over they're!!''

   Have you heard about the upcoming vegetarian Zombie apocalypse? They only eat grains....

   Romance works because ladies love dumb stuff and they are easily swayed by meaningless gestures. That's why all dudes have the same technique. It's called lying.