Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This isn't what it looks like" almost ALWAYS means "This is exactly what it looks like." Just sayin'...

   my therapist said maybe my intimidating beauty was the reason I never get asked out...so gaining weight & going bald will work??

   So, I've been told hard work is the key to success, but I'm not above picking a lock every now and then.

   a fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it did half the time.

   Weather Warning for Glendale, AZ tonight: Reigning Ducks........

   The next person that says asks me "Think we got enough snow?" shall be given an epic whitewash.

   Hey Facebook, is it possible to cram a few more ads on my "new" profile page?

   attention is the fuel that feeds immaturity.

   I wish comicbook disguises worked in real life. A pair of glasses would open some many possiblities for me.

   Sometimes I think life would be more fun with a "thumbs down" option for people like I have on Pandora for songs

   why use floss when I can just squirt water through my teeth?? Sometimes the little things will just have to do until I get a robot

   true facebook friends are easy to find, easy to leave.you can forget them but they wont leave you the hell alone.

   Zombie Zumba: Combining the two most popular Facebook topics into one!

   The fact that Donald Trump has no sense of humor makes me suspect that he also has no mirror.

   I was listening to you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question...

   wonders, what would happen if a witness was sworn in, asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the answer came out from his mouth is no?

   Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.

   Be a fountain, not a drain.

   A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

   Walking into your closet not knowing whenever it'll be Monsters Inc. or Narnia