Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know those little screens at the gas pumps? They should start showing porn, so I can watch someone else getting screwed at the pump.

   I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"

   I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt .. And when they say "Oh you smell good, what is that?" I say "Page 5"

   I have a theory that the world will end in 5105, and we've been reading the Mayan calendar upside down

   I dont know why these stupid employment agency websites keep suggesting that I link my job application profile to my Facebook page. If employers ever visit my Facebook page, I will never get a job in this lifetime.

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   Maybe if I look like i'm going to shoplift, I can get some help in the electronics section at Target.

   I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it

   I dont have a problem sharing my funny stuff with ya'll here as you c0py & paste to your Facebooks, its the damn Twitter crew I can't stand with their self righteousness and egos.

   If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.

   I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

   There should be a separate social networking site for people who post inspirational quotes.

   Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I'll be watching you. - Dog

   If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass

   We're all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.

   After years of watching CSI, I still have never figured out why, when they walk into a dark house, they do their investigation with flashlights. One would think you could do a more thorough job if you flipped on the light.