Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Heaven: mozzarella cheese Hell: cottage cheese

   Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you needed.

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   I THINK 50 shades of grey is our weather forecast!!!!

   If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?

   I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is he says I'm healthy as a horse. The bad news is that he keeps using large farm animals to describe me.

   Picking a president to vote for this term is like picking the STD that I would be the most okay with having.

   Mariah Sharapova living proof that Russians love to cheat.

   I'm always a lady, but when I am mad, I'm an evil sadistic demon witch from hell that'll make you wish you were never born....and when I am happy, I bake cookies and cupcakes.

   Don't forget to judge others on the circumstances they can't control today.

   I heard that people who talk to themselves tend to be extremely smart. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? They steal all the green cards.

   You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?

   Just a matter of time till they have an iPhone that recognizes us by our blood alcohol level.

   Women need to be touched by their partners twenty times a day; men need ten times! they get the extra ten from their imaginary lovers.

   As far as I'm concerned, LL Cool J is old enough now he doesn't need to worry about what his "Momma said."

   I never knew true happiness until I got married. But by then it was too late

   I almost bet the people on the outside of the ark were talking crap as well...

   My tombstone will just say DIED HORNY.

   I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.