Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Snow peas are just like regular peas except the licky boom boom down.

   Thanks Obama, for making me rich, said no black guy ever...

   You know, I have never been told not to come to a funeral, have you?

   Scientists need to put cancer aside and find a cure for country music first.

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   Pepsi and Coke the Crips and bloods of the cola world

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   Dear T-Rex, Brontosaurus, & Velociraptor. Sorry I ran out of space on my Ark for you.... Noah

   totally blames global warming on the Amish

   Lean pockets directions: Take out of wrapper and place directly into toilet.

   If your going to ask a girl out, make sure you know you'll treat her right. I see some guys treat their Girls like garbage. It's a disgrace. Have some respect!

   really thinks you should get help

   So, if a President (any, not just BO) can travel the US campaigning nonstop for weeks on end, how damn hard can the job be??

   Everything gets stolen this Friday, because it's Black Friday

   Faith by definition is: "Believing in things without evidence", but personally I don't do that..... because I'm not an idiot.

   Some people wonder what the meaning of life is. Some people wonder if we're alone in the universe. Me? I'm just sitting here wondering whose job it is to grease the bearings on the Price is Right wheel...

   A woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less?

   dont trust anything that can bleed for five days and doesnt die...just sayin

   FACEBOOK: Where dramatic people post about "drama" thus creating more of it.

   I can't believe people these days. I was at church and the lady next to me lit a cigarette.....I damn near spilled my beer!