Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love that ordering delivery now feels like helping the country & rebuilding the economy whereas before it just felt lazy & financially irresponsible. #WednesdayThoughts #SaferAtHome

   You're just not buying enough guns! More are needed!

   hey you the atheist below please move on

   I toilet papered my house last night. It's now worth 1.4 million.

   I never thought that giving up going to work for Lent would be so easy.

   The worst homeschooling class has to be Sex Ed.

   Since staying home I think I need a better way to end a phone conversation then saying "Hey let me go now, I gotta run"

   With this corona virus thing, just heard that infidelity is down 99.9%

   The pollen is so bad this year that the druggies are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   Someone want to send Apple an email and let them know we need an iWatch software update...they don't need to keep telling me I need to stand up.. We need an "ignore, i'm in the middle of a quarantine" button.

   I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

   Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.

   Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.

   2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.

   Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.

   I'm convinced that Florida ain't afraid of nothing....except flying roaches

   Anyone else feel the love in here?

   I've been social distancing from the gym for years

   Hate to be the one to point out that if you're going around to your friends houses to take "Socially Distancing" pictures and videos with you're missing the point.

   My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C