Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   PESSIMIST : Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey, and see only calories and cholesterol !

   Dove chocolates taste way better than their soap

   Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.

   Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.

   I am not setting a bad example...I am the perfect example of what not to do!

   With Burger King's new commercial of the Whopper growing mold I guess I won't be saving them anymore for the next 34 days.

   I went to see a child psychologist the other day... But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.

   A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels

   I'm the perfect man, if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.

   Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."

   The Number 1 reason that prospective applicants are rejected from the show "The Bachelor" is herpes. Apparently, you can't get on the show if you don't have it.

   I didn't tie the knot until I was in my thirties... To this day, I still struggle with shoelaces!

   I won't consider myself successful until someone follows me around with a cooler of gatorade to dump over my head whenever I win at anything.

   Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

   They say women only use 10% of their anger

   It's tax time. I switched to a new tax guy and I think he's fantastic. He wants me to establish my full-time residence in Syria.

   NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. so far, they've had 1 billion applicants.

   The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as The Manilla Folder.

   Welcome to Facebook. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.