Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forgot to unlink my Pinterest account from Facebook and now my entire fight club knows how I'm decorating our annual pumpkin patch party.

   When you put "LOL" onto the end of your text message, it acts like a flotation device so the message doesn't sink into sadness. LOL

   You can just root for them. You don't have to try and explain how you're a legit Cubs fan because your great uncle went to Wrigley once.

   My household now communicates exclusively through slammed doors and the clattering of cutlery thrown angrily into drawers.

   Ladies, if you want a man you loves you for your brains and not your body, then date a zombie.

   Which part of this $5.99 Walmart t-shirt makes you wonder if I would like to see the wine list?

   Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

   All the founding members of the band "Survivor" are still alive. It's a pride thing.

   Honestly, I don't get the whole "sandwich after sex" thing. I either want to go to sleep or watch "Archer" reruns.

   FACT: You could also be burned at the stake during the Salem Witch Trials for telling that dumb "what do you call a witch at the beach" joke.

   Brace yourselves it's Harley Quinn weekend!

   Guess it's time to throw out the leftovers from last Thanksgiving...

   Get your copy of "Who's Boat is this Boat" today!

   People ask to meet for coffee so they can pick my brain almost every week. If you don’t want to pay for consultancy I don’t have a brain.

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   In 1984 a light aircraft killed a jogger while making an emergency landing on a South Carolina beach.. which is why I don't jog!!

   Bakers, your technical challenge for today will be the classic American style marijuana brownie. Paul would like for you to each bake 96 dozen and they must look good!

   Kevin McCallister's parents has to be the most dimwitted parents ever not to realize that Buzz is the cause of their family's problems.

   In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.