Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanting what I'll never have is my way of insuring that I'm always miserable.

   I'm just surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

   MASTURBATION: because when no one else is doing you, sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands!

   Excuse me guys, is cocaine healthy if it's in a salad with low fat dressing?

   I just witnessed a quarterback throw a game winning interception.

   The new Kanye West sex tape will prove whether or not he can keep up with a Kardashian.

   What do you call a girl who is being a total b itch on her period? You don't. You text her from the movies and tell her you had to work late

   Big girls DO cry (when they dont get to eat)

   Dogs and cats are so lucky they can use their tongues on themselves

   Only those who dare to fall in love will grow a lot wiser.

   there is always someone in the gym shower that thinks she is in a herbal essence shampoo commercial!!

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some tampons and got blown into a bar?!

   indecisive and thoroughly confused, the replacement refs ordered a diet mtn. coke.

   40 oz. to freedom? HA! I am going to need at least 80.

   nothing screams "loser" like a wedding ring tat from your 3rd marriage...

   I grew up in a loving home with supportive parents. It's been very creatively frustrating and limiting.

   My wife told me she's loving me because I don't listen to her properly.

   Men and women need a box of tissues for very different reasons.

   Get off goddamn Internet, go out & live your life! I'll be here when you get back. :)

   I know it's Fall because my brother got his d ick stuck in the leaf blower again.