Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sit when I pee because God dammit there's a seat right there!

   A picture is like a thousand words so if your profile photo is bad, it's like reading the word ugly a thousand times.

   Football announcers saying "penetration" repeatedly is my 50 Shades of Grey.

   “Pain management” is breaking up with someone that hurts you.

   It's beginning to look a lot like 80s on my ATARI 7800 system

   I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   Who remembers the 3 eyed monkey at the end of Jimmy Neutron that would say "Hi, I'm Paul!"

   Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?

   Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.

   I pick my nose when I drive. Get over it or I'll flick the booger at your car

   Marriages should come with three NFL-style "challenges" a year.

   Dating a single mother: It's like continuing from somebody else's saved game.

   Why do we say, “good morning” when we wake up? You can't really be sure until noon.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   All Samsung Officials are withdrawing their children from English medium schools because the first thing they were taught was "A for Apple"

   'You always make mistakes with your first one.' - True of children and marriages.

   This whisky tastes like memories. Bitter memories.

   dear fellow pranksters, if you are planning on pranking a telemarketer by answering with "i killed him" first make sure it is a telemarketer. sincerely, the one with a terrified grandmother

   Let's get weird and watch Oprah together.